The day I wish I didn't get out of bed.....

Today is one of those day, you know, those days when you regret getting up and start the day ago, those days when you wish you get rewind and just stay in bed because you know they are going to be BAD!

First I woke up to this:

Please, someone, somewhere explain to me why would you make it next to the hamper, but not INSIDE the hamper??? WHY??????????

It all started with a pain in my left jam yesterday night. I though nothing of it and tried to sleep it off, only to woke up to the pain in both side of my mouth. 

Locked jaw syndrome, check it out for yourself. 

I've been pet sitting for a friend, so I woke up my daughter and asked her to come with me and tried to go about my day. We are at my friend's house feeding the kitties when I realize, today is the last day to pet sit, and feel so very sad. 

Sadness could as well be the theme of this summer. 

Summer 2016: the should have, could have, but didn't time to remember. 

When I feel sad, I like to keep busy, you see. 

I go around the house and find things to do, even if they don't need to be done. 

I try to organize things for my kids to spend a week at their grandma's, so I can go to work. 

I start thinking at all the things they might need and work myself in a frenzy to have everything ready, to be prepared for everything and I mean, everything. 

I look at my son's pills and I realize, he will be a few short before it's time for him to come back home. 

In case you don't know, my son has Autism, ADHD, and Tourette Syndrome and for few years now has been taking these pills that are making a lot of difference in his quality of life. 

Off to the pharmacy (at Walmart of all places but this medicine runs to $100 and it's cheaper here #uselessinsurance) I go to refill his prescription. 

The pharmacist is frantic about explaining to me that it is a controlled substance and apparently I'm trying to refill these prescriptions way to early and all alarm bells are going off. I tried to explain very calmly that I know I'm early, we are just going to be out of town when we run out. 

Long story short, they start asking all silly questions about how many do I have left> I many am I giving him? I should have enough until the end of the month...which I do, my son won't be here until the beginning of next month though. 

They made me feel like Mother of the Year (NOT!) and they cannot help me anyway, he need to run out before I can refill. 

Good times. 

I thanked between my teeth (locked jaw remember) to have them ready whenever they think I should pick them up and leave feeling like a dirty drug dealer. 

 On my way out, I realize it's lunch time, my daughter just informed me she is starving and the smell of the Subway by the exit door makes our stomach growl. 

I figure, why not? 

It's not that I'm in the mood to cook anyway. So I approached the counter to order 3 sandwiches: one for me, one for my daughter, and one for hubby for dinner tonight, because I already want to crawl under a rock and I don't need him to come open to open the fridge and play 10 questions about what we are going to eat. 

All foot longs, all white bread, 2 tuna, 1 turkey. 

I thought simple enough.

 I swear the clerk at the counter was physically hurting every time I asked her to put something on those sandwich which I had to repeat 3 times, because between my accent, my locked jaw, and the fact the I was torturing her and she wanted to make everything else but my sandwiches....so much fun!! 

It takes 45 minutes to get the damn sandwiches ready and she refused to do a triple meat, double cheese for hubby. Oy vey. 

 I grab the dam sandwiches and my daughter and off to the car I go, can't wait to go home and be done with today. 

I'm almost home when I realize that I did't buy lunch for my son. 

He doesn't like Subway and I was supposed to stop to grab fast food at Chick-Fil-A. Turn the car around and off I go. 

Have you ever been in the drive through of Chick-Fil-A in Niceville???? Well, let me tell you that the drive through sucks! They have a 2 lanes system on a one lane road and it's pure madness. Every time I go there, I do the drive through the right way and big truck always cut me off and get ahead of me. I curse like a sailor. EVERY.TIME. 

My car tires always get pinches buy those awkward bumpers that are there to prevent the trucks to cut though: I curse again!

I try to breath and think how happy my son is going to be about the chicken nuggets, but the service it's slow and by the time I'm done ordering my phone rings: it's the Walmart pharmacist again going on and on about the pills and how I should have enough and blah, blah, blah...he keeps going on even when I pull up to the window to get the food where a very young and nice clerk is telling me that they filled a large soda by mistake, but still charged me a medium size.....I could even thank her with the asshole still droning on the number of pills I should have in my ears...... 

 At this point I have tears in my eyes, but I make it home. 

I try to eat my sandwich from the woman I tortured and my jaw hurts to bad..... 

 I want my mommy. 

I want to go to sleep and forget today happened. 

 Do you have days like that???

Time to say good bye

Yesterday was my very last day at my job as a lunchroom at Edge Elementary.

 Leaving is always bitter sweet, but I was showered with hugs, presents and small gifts. 

I feel so blessed by my Edge family and I shred some tears saying good bye to co-workers, friends and little ones. 

Although leaving is always sad, good news are on the horizon. 

I'm going to be starting a new chapter of my life in 2014. 

But, this is a story for another blog post....

Goodbye

I had a fun and light little post planned for today, but truth is that it's a very sad day for me as I received a bad news from my family in Italy: my grandma (my dad's mom) died. 

You have to know that I'm the oldest of my siblings and I've been away from my birth family for over 5 years now and of course when I was told that my grandma was really sick with Alzheimer, the scenario of receiving this news crossed my mind several times and I told myself that I was old and strong enough to receive the news with grace and without too much emotions at least the time necessary to end the phone call with dignity. 

And I did. 

For about 2 nano seconds. 

Then tears, gulps and sigh took over and I had to tell my mom a very quick: "Can I call you later?". 

Without dignity. 

Of course, having hubby standing right behind me asking what the hell happened over and over, helped me to pull my self together. 

For about 2 more nano seconds. 

Just enough to give him the news than dive to cry on his shoulder. 

 I'm crying so much my head hurts. 

For my grandma, for my dad, for my aunts and uncles (my grandma had 8 awesome children, 4 males and 4 females). 

Because I'm 10K miles away and, for reason I don't care to explain publicly, I can't even make a quick run over there to see her one last time and give her a good bye. 

So, I'm crying some more. 

Then I picked myself up and thought to write about all this, as writing is therapeutic and always makes me feel better. I realized with the most hurt in my heart that I have nothing about the woman, not a picture to show, just old memories of my childhood closed up in my head....

except: MY NAME. 

Well, my maiden name anyway, it's the same as her married name as I was born in the core of the South of Italy where the tradition to name the first born after the dad parents is still going strong.

 You also have to know that growing up, every time I've heard of my friend's grandparents dieing, I always imagined the day my grandma would and in my preteens years I always thought that I wouldn't be able to attend the funeral as I would be creep out to see my name on the headstone. I remember vocalizing this concern to my parents and never in a million years I would have thought that I wouldn't be attending her funeral after all. 

Be careful what you wish for I guess. Meh. 

 Maybe it's better this way, it's better that I remember her still happy and busy in the kitchen, where she made the most delicious meals for whomever happened to show up at her door. Happy to open her door to children and grandchildren whatever we needed, happy to listen to us, to spoil us and every time we left just say: "The important thing is that you're ok". Never tired, always putting herself after everybody else, she lost that joy when my grandfather passed away more than 10 years ago. 

Now, at least, they are reunited for ever, while I cry for a little while longer....

Sad day :(

Do you remember my pet fish BOB?

Well, this morning I went to his tank to feed him and well...he was gone :(

We knew it will happen eventually, but he was with us since July and we were taking pretty good care of him and it was just.so.unexpected!

The kids were told, we showed them the "body". Gabriel wanted to know why and how. Michelle just started sobbing hard saying that it was her fault for not playing with Bob yesterday. She seems ok now and she agreed to have him buried tomorrow.

The funeral will be held tomorrow evening on our porch. We are going to gently put Bob in a tiny box and buried him in a pot with potty soil. We will plant wild flowers on it so when spring comes and the pretty flowers will bloom, we can look at them and remember our little friend.

Fiasco

The show was a real fiasco and totally didn't go as I expected it.
Above is how my booth looked like....I had to leave some of the items inside my suite case 'cause the table was smaller that I was promised, so I had to cram as much as possible in the space I had.

Aside for a lots of "ohhh" and "ahhh" and for "OMG your stuff is so cute....did you make it yourself???" I didn't get much action. I didn't sell even one thing and was able to hand out a whopping 5 business cards.......2 were to children :(

I did learn a few things tho:
1- I will NOT do outdoor show in Florida. The heat made my nose bleed and the wind knocked my displays over like 500 times.
2- Next time I will make sure to participate to art&craft show only: this event included rummage and used goods vendors too (and cheapo resellers) and the crowd was looking for a few bucks deal, not high end crochet nick knacks.
3- Next time, I will go check out the event before deciding to participate: the exact dimensions of the table, space available around it, number and type of vendors and if they allow soliciting....which it would have been ok if the solicitors were charged the same fee of me, but this wasn't the case.
4- I did create a bit of interested when I started crocheting "live": so that's definitely something I will keep doing.

I guess that pretty much sums it up. Archived like a lesson learned for next time with a bruise on my pride.

I'm back too!

Well, from Atlanta anyway.

I got my mom and sister on the airplane and drove back home in a miserable state all by myself.....America doesn't look the same without them by my side.

I'm trying to cope with the fact that I miss them at the point to feel sick, I try to think at the wonderful days and moments spent together. I promised myself that I would be happy and grateful that they came instead of sad and lonely when they'd be gone.
But I guess I can't. I'm not strong enough.

I wonder around my house, their absence is so heavy and I fight with myself to not cry.
Then I stumble in something......my sister forgot a pair of her shoes in the bedroom, my mom left her favorite hand cream in the bathroom, their bed still warm, little homemade meals frozen in my fridge for my enjoyment.....and I can't help, the tears just start flowing down, a knot in my throat and the minds goes back......Then I open my eyes again, feeling silly for crying and missing them so much. They're home with my dad, got back to their things probably missing me and my kids too.

And I'm alone again!

Trying to get the control of my emotions and pick up the phone so I can talk to them, but the phone call never last long enough, I have to excuse my self and go hide my tears.......

I guess we never grew up enough to get out of touch with the family. Friends come and goes, but family always stay there for you, no matter what, no matter how many miles away you run or how much time goes by separated.....Miles...do they have to be 10000 miles away? Wish all the land in the Earth was closer, distance just an emotion in our mind, money just useless paper and love the king of Earth.
But than I could also wish for no more hungry people, no war and no cancer. I'd be greedy don't ya think?

I promise to share with you some glimpse of their visit here with picture and all. I think it will help me cope with the fact that I miss them so much. In the meanwhile, if you have other suggestion for me to get over this withdrawing, I'd be grateful :)