Thursday, October 7, 2010

Well, ok!

I was going to have a post showing off my Halloween creations, but.....Hell with that!
I'm mad and seriously going through hell right now.

Remember Gabriel right? He's my son, a cute little boy that put light in my days.
I've written about him and how much I love him a least a million times in the pages of this blog. If you read my blog, you'll know that Gabriel was born with a light form of Autism. He's now 6, was diagnosed a year ago, tho we always knew deep inside. For years (and now still) I tortured myself thinking if I could have done anything different during his conception and the pregnancy to avoid all this. To this day, the doctors assured me that it's not my fault, or hubby's fault or nobody's fault for all that matter. I tried to make piece with that fact in my brain, but in my heart is a whole different story. But I tried, to hide the tears, to swallow my worries and looks for resources and things that could help him. And we found quite a few: some were really easy to get around, some weren't so much and some are completely out of our reach.

Gabriel was put in preschool in a special ed program, took summer school in the same program and we saw some results: He was drawing and talking a bit more.
After a scary spring where Gabriel stopped eating and growing, we started him on a gluten-free diet and off he went to Kindergarten where we amazingly saw some huge progresses.
Started him on physical activities, extra speech therapy, group therapy (you named it, we tried all!) and he started thriving again, gaining his wight, eating right, growing to fit his size clothes and smiling and talking and loving.

This school year started and off to 1st grade went, confident that every thing will be just a growing curve from here........boy was I wrong! His teacher retires, the assistant doesn't know what she's doing, he gets hurt on a daily basis and over all just regressing, but most important UNHAPPY.
So here I'm, once again, worrying, running around, asking here, demanding there, yelling, kicking, screaming.......I finally find a new school for him that can be just IT. Only trouble: we cannot afford it. But again: I won't stop. I ask for funds available, I file for scholarships, I demand from my insurance......NOTHING.

Gabriel is not going to get ANYTHING. His autism is not sever enough, his disability it's not obvious, overall HE'S DOING KINDA OF OK AND NEEDS TO HANG IN THERE.

I'm mad! My heart is dead. Nobody will help us and we are on our own.

I will give you a picture of my financial situation: my husband is the only one working at the moment. Well, I'm self employed but let's face it: can't afford to advertise my business, so I make a profit of $20/week when I'm lucky. I have a degree in biology that will allow me to get on a good job and resolve our troubles, BUT I will need to pay in order to have it convalidated here in the States (I took my degree in Italy) and sustain some college courses to make sure that I'm up to date. Too bad I don't have the money to do that either.
We don't own any properties: we're renting an house that is broken and falling in pieces and drive a car borrowed from relatives that is literally keeping up the pieces together with scotch tape. Don't believe me? I can show you a picture if you wish! It's humiliating, but I'll do it!
On top on that, gluten-free food is not cheap, you know?

How does that sound?

My son is coming home from a school he hates in less that 5 minutes. He's gonna ask me once again if he can go to another place where they are not mean to him. Again.

I don't know how can I look him in the eyes and tell him that it's not gonna happen.
I think my heart is going to brake in so many pieces.

I can't stand to watch myself in the mirror, I can't stand being ME right now.
I wish he wouldn't have to be a victim of the fact that we're poor. I wish I can just close my eyes and never leave this situation. I don't know how to go on with this, I don't know why I should go on.

What's next?
I'm trying to evaluate alternatives but I don't see a light.

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Kayla @ TheEclecticElement said...

I wish I could write a huge comment on here and give you ideas and let you know things will be okay, but at the moment, my mind is so far gone I can't even begin to comprehend what you just wrote-I know it's heartbreaking, I just can't grasp it.

Would you like to talk on the phone sometime? I know you're probably very busy, but I would love to be a person you can call and talk things over with. Maybe I can even give you ideas and try to help?

Please let me know and I will willingly and happily give you my number :)

CalliopeCreations said...

My heart breaks for you and your son. This is a terrible situation.

Have you gone up the ladder in the school district? The teacher and the principal are not the final word on things.

Park yourself at the Superintendent's door and see what happens. Take your son with you.

If you are not tied up with other things, perhaps you could volunteer
in his classroom several times a week for a couple of hours...the bad hours. It might make him feel more secure.

I don't know...these are just shots in the dark.

Wish I could be of more help.

Crocheted Little Things said...

Marianne thank you.
yes, I offered to volunteer, they're running all kinds of background checks on me and it will take a couple of weeks :(

Me and the superintendent already had words last year about some decisions she made that I thought would cause what we are experiencing right now. I'm literally stalking her with emails and phone calls that she's not answering obviously. She even got called out in the local news paper.

Elly's Creations said...

My heart goes out to you, but try and keep your chin up, I know its easy to say then to do it, The main thing is don't let your son see how sad or mad you are. You might not think he sees it ut he might feel it. I have the feeling things will work out for you, it did for me when they pronouce me dead 3 times during my last surgery, but guess what I'm still here kicking and not sweating the small stuff anymore. Have faith.
I wish all the best

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