I was going to have a post showing off my Halloween creations, but.....Hell with that!
I'm mad and seriously going through hell right now.
Remember Gabriel right? He's my son, a cute little boy that put light in my days.
I've written about him and how much I love him a least a million times in the pages of this blog. If you read my blog, you'll know that Gabriel was born with a light form of Autism. He's now 6, was diagnosed a year ago, tho we always knew deep inside. For years (and now still) I tortured myself thinking if I could have done anything different during his conception and the pregnancy to avoid all this. To this day, the doctors assured me that it's not my fault, or hubby's fault or nobody's fault for all that matter. I tried to make piece with that fact in my brain, but in my heart is a whole different story. But I tried, to hide the tears, to swallow my worries and looks for resources and things that could help him. And we found quite a few: some were really easy to get around, some weren't so much and some are completely out of our reach.
Gabriel was put in preschool in a special ed program, took summer school in the same program and we saw some results: He was drawing and talking a bit more.
After a scary spring where Gabriel stopped eating and growing, we started him on a gluten-free diet and off he went to Kindergarten where we amazingly saw some huge progresses.
Started him on physical activities, extra speech therapy, group therapy (you named it, we tried all!) and he started thriving again, gaining his wight, eating right, growing to fit his size clothes and smiling and talking and loving.
This school year started and off to 1st grade went, confident that every thing will be just a growing curve from here........boy was I wrong! His teacher retires, the assistant doesn't know what she's doing, he gets hurt on a daily basis and over all just regressing, but most important UNHAPPY.
So here I'm, once again, worrying, running around, asking here, demanding there, yelling, kicking, screaming.......I finally find a new school for him that can be just IT. Only trouble: we cannot afford it. But again: I won't stop. I ask for funds available, I file for scholarships, I demand from my insurance......NOTHING.
Gabriel is not going to get ANYTHING. His autism is not sever enough, his disability it's not obvious, overall HE'S DOING KINDA OF OK AND NEEDS TO HANG IN THERE.
I'm mad! My heart is dead. Nobody will help us and we are on our own.
I will give you a picture of my financial situation: my husband is the only one working at the moment. Well, I'm self employed but let's face it: can't afford to advertise my business, so I make a profit of $20/week when I'm lucky. I have a degree in biology that will allow me to get on a good job and resolve our troubles, BUT I will need to pay in order to have it convalidated here in the States (I took my degree in Italy) and sustain some college courses to make sure that I'm up to date. Too bad I don't have the money to do that either.
We don't own any properties: we're renting an house that is broken and falling in pieces and drive a car borrowed from relatives that is literally keeping up the pieces together with scotch tape. Don't believe me? I can show you a picture if you wish! It's humiliating, but I'll do it!
On top on that, gluten-free food is not cheap, you know?
How does that sound?
My son is coming home from a school he hates in less that 5 minutes. He's gonna ask me once again if he can go to another place where they are not mean to him. Again.
I don't know how can I look him in the eyes and tell him that it's not gonna happen.
I think my heart is going to brake in so many pieces.
I can't stand to watch myself in the mirror, I can't stand being ME right now.
I wish he wouldn't have to be a victim of the fact that we're poor. I wish I can just close my eyes and never leave this situation. I don't know how to go on with this, I don't know why I should go on.
What's next?
I'm trying to evaluate alternatives but I don't see a light.
Some one is digging for candies!
Licking her paws LOL
Crocheted Little Things
